i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize