No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
