I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
