Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize