i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
