I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
