My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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