I faked an abortion last night.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
