Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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