i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
