Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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