oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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