Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
