1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
