I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
They have beer where we have blood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
