Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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