She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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