my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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