That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
