I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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