I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
