she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
