If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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