Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
