I smell stomach acid.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
