You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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