Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize