I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
