Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
