Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
