She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
