At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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