So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
