I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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