my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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