She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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