I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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