he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
