The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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