you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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