if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
