No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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