i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
