What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
