A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
