What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've blown a few things in my day
high people should be assigned attendants
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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