I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Your cock deserves a montage
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
