You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
