Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
