I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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