Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
