you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
