we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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