I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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