our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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