I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
